Sophomore Lessons

Move beyond what I call “Generic Romance.”
Generic Romance is the stuff that our culture has defined as “romantic”: Chocolate, champagne, dinners, diamonds, movies, roses, lingerie, perfume, flowers, cards, and candy. Yes, this stuff is romantic (yes, I give roses to my gf sometimes) but it’s only a start, it’s just skimming the surface.
If you expect your relationship to survive (much less thrive) for fifty years or more, you must move waaay beyond Generic Romance.



Timing is everything.
• Pulling surprises requires a superb sense of timing.
• Belated birthday cards ought to be outlawed.
• Chocolate is romantic, but not if she’s on a diet. :P
• Stick to small romantic gestures when he’s totally preoccupied with a big work project. (Save the biggies until he can appreciate them.)



Flirt with her at a party, as if you were both single.
• Freshmen level: Flirt just a little. Wink. Compliment her.
• Sophomore level: Act out a complete “pick-up” fantasy, without any of the other guests being aware of what you’re doing.
• Junior level: Continue the fantasy as you return home!
• Senior level: Act out the complete “pickup” fantasy at the party—and sneak off to an empty room, car, or closet, and make, you know... :P mad, passionate love!

Freshman Lessons

Romance is a state of mind. If you have the right mindset, you can make cleaning the bathroom romantic. If you have the wrong mindset, you can turn a moonlit stroll on the beach into a miserable experience.




Romance is a state of being. It’s about taking action on your feelings. It’s a recognition that love in the abstract has no real meaning at all! Romance is best defined as “love-in-action.” Love is the feeling—romance is the action. Got it?? 
Romance often starts as a “state of mind,” but it must move beyond mere thoughts and intentions, and be communicated to your lover through words, gifts, presents, gestures, touches, looks --> through action.



Romance is about the little things. It’s much more about the small gestures, the little ways of making daily life with your lover a bit more special, than it is about extravagant, expensive gestures.



There are two kinds of romance: 1) Obligatory, and 2) Optional. 
Obligatory romance is required by law. Look, if you forget to send roses on Valentine’s Day, you’d simply better not show up at home! But optional romance is really more romantic.It’s more genuine. It’s making the romantic gesture when you’re not required to. It’s arriving home on a Tuesday after work with flowers—just because! It’s massages and messages. It’s cards and candles and songs and…

The Fundamental Things Apply

Romantics have their priorities straight.
What are your priorities? What I mean is, what are your true priorities?
In other words, how do you spend your time? How you spend your time reflects your true priorities. (Most people claim that home and family are most important to them, but their actions don’t reflect this.)


Living a life full of love is about getting your actions into alignment with your beliefs.

• Make an honest appraisal of how you spend your time. Make a chart of how you spend an average week. You’ll probably make some interesting discoveries!

• Say to her, “Let’s plan a special outing: A lunch-date, dinner-date, movie, whatever. You choose the time and place, and I’ll be there, regardless of my previous plans.” This shows that she has top priority, over work, friends, hobbies, etc.

• You sometimes work overtime at work, right? Why not occasionally work “overtime” on your relationship?

Romantics know that love is a process.

While on the one hand romantics tend to live in the moment, we also expect to be around for a while, so we don’t fret too much about today’s problems.

We know that love, like life, is a process. Things change. Things grow. There is a future coming our way, and it’s probably going to

be pretty good!

Finally, adjust your daily schedule in some small way to advance the process of love in your life. 

Women Are (Not) from Venus*

Sara shares this story: “The most romantic gift my husband ever gave me was a pair of needle-nose pliers.



“You see, my family draws names for Christmas gifts, and my wish list always includes tools, I just like to fix things, but nobody ever gives me any! The year I didn't get the needle-nose pliers I requested, I happened to mention to my husband, Mark, that it bothered me that my family didn't take me seriously.



“When December arrived and we were short on cash, Mark and I decided not to give each other any gifts. Celebrating Christmas with Mark’s family, I found a tiny wrapped gift from my husband under the tree. His family simply didn't understand why a pair of pliers would bring tears of happiness to my eyes!”



Be aware of the differences in men’s and women’s styles of communicating, but don’t over-emphasize them. If you focus on the gap, you’ll overlook the bridges!



Bridge #1: The fact that underneath all our differences in style, men and women all want the same things: to be loved, cared for, respected, and appreciated; to have a place of safety and security where we can be ourselves, grow, experiment, and mature.



Bridge #2: Romance itself. Romance is a bridge between the sexes, as it is the expression of love. Romance is a language that uses words, gestures, and tokens to communicate the subtle, multifaceted, and complicated feelings of love.


Finally, and to wrap up these latest post, George Carlin says:

“Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

related to:

Women Are from Venus

Men Are (Not) from Mars*

Love is not gender specific. Therefore, romance is not gender-specific. Nearly every idea on this blog applies to both men and women, even though I sometimes say “her” and other times “his.” Don’t forget that deep down, we all want the same things in life. Men and women have different styles, not different needs.



Note: Things have changed since the 1950s, men like flowers too. A recent survey indicates that 74 percent of men would feel comfortable receiving flowers and would appreciate the gesture.



The next time you’re tempted to fall into using simple gender stereotypes, think about The Odd Couple. Felix and Oscar are both “regular guys” but they’re as different as night and day! Their differences arise from their individual, personalities, not from their gender.


The same applies to you and your partner. Not all women are emotional, intuitive, and communicative. Not all men are logical, aggressive, and practical. While generalizations are generally true, it’s also true that it’s the quirks and idiosyncrasies, the qualities that make people unique that we fall in love with.


A very useful exercise is to talk together about how and why you first fell in love with each other. The  challenge is to answer very, very specifically. You’ll notice that the qualities most people identify are rarely gender-specific (“His eyes.” “Her sense of humor.” “The way he smells.” “His solid values.” “We both love the same books.”)


People with Good Relationships tend to stay in touch with these qualities in themselves and support those qualities in their partners.



Proof that men are from Earth:
1. A man wrote Romeo and Juliet.
2. A man wrote The Bridges of Madison County.
3. Fred Astaire was a man.





related to:

Men Are from Mars

Women Are from Venus

When women use the word “romance,” they’re usually referring to love. When men use the word “romance,” they’re often referring
to sex. (So be careful! The word “romance” can be slippery.)


Sales figures show that women tend to prefer pink and white and pastel colors for lingerie, while men prefer to see women in black and red. 


• Women: Ask yourself if you’re dressing to please him or yourself.
• Men: Ask yourself if the goal of your lingerie gift is to please her or please yourself.


• Women: Stop nagging. Even if you’re right. (Especially if you’re
right!) several women have told me that nagging and complaining are the quickest ways to drive a man into a resentful, and far from romantic silence.


• Men: Stop judging. Stop correcting. Stop lecturing. She doesn’t need it and doesn’t want it. You’re not her father or teacher, you’re her lover.


Men and women tend to be “thermally incompatible.” It is a biological fact that at “room temperature,” most women are chilly and most men are warm.

Men Are from Mars

Be aware that men and women tend to have different styles of communicating.


A man engages the world as “an individual in a hierarchical world social order in which he [is] either one-up or one-down.”
A woman, on the other hand, approaches the world as “an individual in the world of connections. 


In this world, conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and support, and to reach consensus.”



Ladies: Do you really think that he thinks the way you think?
Gentlemen: Do you really think that she thinks the way you think? 


Everyone:
Think again!


He gives her lingerie:
• What he means: “You’d look great in this.”
• How she takes it: “He wants me to look like a slut!”


She wants to go out for dinner and a movie:
• What she means: “I want to go out for dinner and a movie.”
• How he takes it: “I’m going to go broke!”


He gives her one red rose:
• What he means: “This symbolizes my love for you.”
• How she takes it: “He’s too cheap to buy a dozen.”


She gives him a Love book:
• What she means: “This will improve our relationship.”
• How he takes it: “She’s trying to turn me into someone else.”


What to do? Talk more. Assume less. Listen more. Open your heart. Check your assumptions. And keep trying.

Always, Always, Always

Always, always, always stay in touch with the special, memorable, unique ways that the two of you have fun together.


What’s the most fun you’ve ever had with your clothes on? Well, do it again!


What’s the most fun you’ve ever had with your clothes off? Well?!

• Learn your partner’s “hot buttons” and vow to never hit them.
• Learn your partner’s pet peeves and avoid them.
• Learn your partner’s “blind spots” and help him or her cope.
• Learn your partner’s “soft spots” and indulge them.
• Learn what turns your partner off and avoid those behaviors.
• Learn what turns your partner on and practice, practice, practice!

When’s the last time you really played together?

Enjoy your time together...

Theme Songs:

“Always,” Bon Jovi

“Always,” U2

“Always,” Blink 182

Concepts 201 - You have passed

You might agree that occasional romance is “nice,” but it’s limited. Romance over-time is what it’s really all about. Why? Because consistency of romantic effort reflects your commitment to your partner. Because it shows that he or she is a top priority in your life.



Romantic love consists of a triad of passion, commitment, and intimacy. Let’s take a quick look at how these ingredients combine and recombine at different stages in a relationship.


Passion usually takes the lead during dating. Commitment may be nonexistent, and intimacy is just a potential. 
As the relationship progresses, commitment and intimacy twist and turn around one another, building a framework for further relationship growth. 


Spurred on by passion, commitment often turns serious, and marriage results. Newlywed passion usually carries the relationship for a year or two, while commitment is assumed, and intimacy builds. 


When the inevitable challenges and temptations arise, it is hoped that the commitment is strong enough, and the intimacy deep enough, to sustain the relationship.


Passion, commitment, and intimacy all come under fire from a variety of outside sources: jobs, friends, money issues, children, etc. Some of the challenges come from internal sources: insecurity, lack
of self-esteem, fear, immaturity, lack of experience, etc.



The combined strength of the passion/commitment/intimacy will determine the fate of the relationship. 


If commitment is strong but passion weak, the couple will “hang in there” but will not be particularly happy. If passion and commitment are strong but intimacy is weak, the couple will stay together but fail to grow. 


The happiest couples are able to achieve a dynamic balance of passion, commitment and intimacy.

Concepts 102

A “relationship” is an entity. It is a living, growing thing.

This isn’t just a poetic metaphor; I mean it literally. 

A relationship is something new that is created when two separate people decide to become a couple. The relationship is connected to and related to each individual, but it is still separate from the individuals involved.

(There’s you, there’s me, and there’s this mysterious, indefinable, invisible-yet-very-real thing that we call us.)

 And just as each individual person needs time, attention and care, so does the relationship.

Beware of the phenomenon of “Relationship Entropy” (yes you've heard of that in Chem201 and yes awful class i hated it too) anyway it is the tendency of relationships to become more diffuse if not cared for and nurtured; the tendency for once close lovers to drift apart if both of them don’t work at it on a consistent basis. 

we're getting into the subject... stay tuned ;)